Wow, has it been a long time!
I miss xanga… more so I miss the attitude I was in and the person I was when xanga was “cool.” I miss the friendships and the transparency that we all had while posting on xanga… i miss how everyone used to be friends… i miss that we all were honest with eachother about our faults and the fact that we would seek encouragement and guidance from eachother, and we took it! I miss that we all posted daily, and it was our personal journals of what God was speaking to us on a daily basis… yes, I said that God was speaking to us on a daily basis. Not that he doesn’t speak to us now, but I think we’re all too busy to hear him and actually listen. Including me. I miss spending hours in the Word and being so drenched in it that it poured all over everyone else. I miss that people could spout encouragement, not just being friends, but that they would quote verses and mention life stories that were inspiring, not because they were “cool stories” but because they were testimonies of what God was doing in and through them. I miss that we all used to be on the same page… that we were all in that life stage where we were seeking out God and trying to find our place in him and in his creation.
I miss resting. i miss letting myself go. i miss thinking that i need to just sit and be quiet. i miss nights at fuse where i would bawl my eyes out and it would be ok… and no one would think I was strange. i miss my personality. i miss being me, just me, not Brandon’s wife, not Buffy’s sister, not Denise’s daughter, not the “office manager,” not the copy girl, but just me. the girl that God created in His image in His perfect plan. i just miss being me and being broken and being hungry and only thirsting for more of Him. i miss feeling like i was nothing without Him. i miss knowing that i am nothing without Him. i miss relying on Him for the air that I breathe. i just miss Him. I miss spending quality time with him, with no interuptions… not that people wouldn’t be around, but that those people were examples of what God was trying to teach me not distractions.
I realize that I’m saying I miss all of these things… but more than anything I just need to let go… I need to surrender my expectations for this stage of life. I need to get to a place where I realize that life is more that just being married more that just “stick to the status quo.” I need to realize that God still, yes still, has plans for my life that I don’t comprehend. I need to let it through my skull that God is bigger than my circumstances and the circumstances of my friends and I don’t need to get involved other than just sitting back, praying, and letting GOD move. I don’t know why, as humans, we have such a hard time with that. I think we’re all so numb by all of the entertainment in our culture that anything that takes more than a minute to get to us is just too slow… we don’t know how to wait on God. We’ve been programed that if something doesn’t go the way we’ve planned that we need to make it happen ourselves… What a lie! Satan’s full of crap! He’s got us so twisted around that we don’t even know where GOd is or how to approach him. All God’s asking for is that we cry out for help… just a baby, helpless. They know what they’re doing. They know that the only hope they have for getting up when they fall is their parents. They know that the only person they can rely on is their parents… Why don’t we comprehend that anymore? Why are we so busy trying to get back up when all that we would have to do is ask? Are we that far gone that we think God couldn’t help us? That he couldn’t come and rescue us and get us out of our pit? We need to believe more than that.
I know that this isn’t just something I’m thinking because its an off day… today was a great day! I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time… I know this is something that God is telling me I need to work on. Also, I think God’s telling me all this so that I’ll change and hopefully that will spur someone else on to change…
I want more out of this life than feeling like i’m drowning. I know that this life is meant for more than that. I know that God has plans for me beyond my wildest imagination and that I just need to sit back and let him move… i need to just get out of the drivers seat and let him take the wheel. But I also need to get active… I need to not just sit by and do nothing, but I need to listen for God and see what He’s got for me next… I need to be willing to get out of my chair and make a difference instead of just sitting by and letting things “happen.”
God would you change my heart. Would you make me a vessel that would change your world. Would you break me. Would you tear my expectations into pieces. Would you re-make me. Would you form me back to the woman I was starting to become? Would you speak life into me and then in turn would you speak life through me to people who need to be refreshed. Would you make me a tool. Would you use me for more than I ever thought you would? God be glorified in my life… Let me be sold out to you and make you everything that I’m wanting to be and live for. Your will above all else! Amen